by: Wayne and Tamara
Direct Answers - Column for the week of October 20, 2003
I am 32 and a mom with two children. I've pretty much been single for two years. My problem is I found myself falling for my son's teacher. I never saw a ring on his finger, so last school year I made every attempt to visit my son's school as often as I could.
Eventually I took the chicken's way out and e-mailed this man and told him how I felt. He replied that he was flattered, we can remain friends, and he is my child's teacher. I e-mailed back saying I didn't know what I was doing and was not sure how uncomfortable things would be. He said it would be fine, no feelings hurt.
Once again he is teaching my child, and I still feel the same way. He is such a great man, so dedicated to the kids in his class. He is the man I want to get to know better. I have only seen him once this school year, but we often talk on the phone, though always about my son.
We get along so well and laugh like it is natural. Whether he is just being nice, I don't know. After this year he will no longer be my child's teacher. Is there any way for me to find out if he'd like to continue talking? I'm hoping for more. I've been hurt in the past, but with him it just feels so different, so right.
Anya, if you expect to have the right to say no and you want that listened to and respected, then you have to know he has the same right. He said no. When you get a no, you move on.
If your lottery ticket is one number off, it doesn't matter. As much as you would like it to be a winner, the numbers don't match and you don't have the winning ticket. There is no sense dwelling on it. Badgering him will make it less likely he will want to talk with you at all.
There is one great positive in this. You have come in contact with a good man with the characteristics you've been looking for. He has given you a model for what you want. You want a man who makes you feel like this one.
This teacher is teaching you a lesson. He has been patient with you. Show him that you have learned. As Thomas Carruthers said, "A teacher is one who makes himself progressively unnecessary."
Wayne & Tamara
To begin with, I'm 60 years of age. My male friend is younger, but we knew each other from our school days. It's one of those things. We always liked each other's style and wanted to get next to each other. Sex is wonderful, but he has another woman he has relations with, and we all live in the same building.
I tried to stop our little fling, but he was sad and I was sad so we're back together. However, I can't deal with the other woman. I don't want to be by myself. I want a man, and of course he is the one I want. Am I being foolish or what?
Jorie, you want him to stop seeing the other woman, but she may want you to do the same. You are playing a waiting game trying to outlast each other.
You can't accept that you have an unfaithful male, but you can't battle every woman willing to have sex with him. The one person you can affect is him. You can do that by withdrawing your affections.
If he really likes your style and wants to be next to you, he can make that choice. If he doesn't, you will stop wasting time on the wrong man for you. You have the power to cut his sex life in half.
Wayne & Tamara