by: Wayne and Tamara




Direct Answers - Column for the week of August 12, 2002


I came across your column by accident. Boy, was it impeccable timing. I am sitting here writing you on my anniversary weekend. Home alone, while my husband is on a three day golf fling with his buddies. I have cried for two days.


This is a reality check for me, knowing our problems through 23 years are still there even after counseling. Should I be crying, or is it time to get out? And did I mention he spent New Year's Eve at a basketball game while I stayed home alone?


I know most golfers would not want to give up a weekend with their buddies, but does a truly happy man give up the invitation for the sake of his wife? I am a person who feels, thinks, then decides. My husband is a person who thinks, decides, then feels.


Josey


Josey, with tears in her eyes, a woman told us this story. She and her husband planned a cruise with another couple. Their 25th wedding anniversary fell in the middle of the cruise. When the other couple couldn't make it, her husband canceled their reservations also.


In her heart, this is what she felt. "I love you. I want to go on this trip even more now. We can have a second honeymoon." But she didn't speak up. She thought he should know her feelings, but her silence confirmed what he did.


Sometimes couples run in so many directions at once, they get off course. Then a simple, open statement of feelings can clarify things. If your husband's disconnection was unintentional, it suggests one course of action. If it was done with the knowledge or intention to hurt you, it suggests another.


Wayne


A Covey Of Counselors


Last year I cheated on my girlfriend and she found out. It was awful. We broke up and I undertook therapy, which was a great thing for me to do. She was and continues to be in therapy, and she is a therapist herself.


When we got back together, we were very codependent. It seems we were not totally able to rebuild trust. Though we traveled and practically lived together the last few months, we also got into criticism wars about the most stupid things.


Last month she found a job. I criticized her for not committing more to our relationship and for spending too much time working. She became attracted to her boss. This guy, who has offered her lots of money not to leave, values her professionally.


A week ago she broke up with me. At first she said it has nothing to do with her job, then she admitted she had strong feelings for her boss. Now they have already spent nights together. I am devastated.


I am currently unemployed and living at my mother's, and he is older and successful. I really love her and want her back. I have a wild hope this is all about getting even and that she will come back to me in time.


Mac


Mac, I have a wild hope this is all about you getting your life together. What you need to focus on is getting a job, standing on your own two feet, and paying your own bills.


You're clinging to a relationship in which you are in therapy, your girlfriend is in therapy, she is a therapist, and she is sleeping with her boss, a therapist. Maybe, just maybe, therapy isn't going to save this relationship.


You are jobless and dependent on your mother. Being with your girlfriend would be a definite step up for you, but if you were pursuing a career and lived in a place of your own, the world would look different to you.


Right now you are looking for a relationship to help you out of your hole. You need to focus on helping yourself out of the hole.


Tamara

About The Author Authors and columnists Wayne and Tamara Mitchell can be reached at www.WayneAndTamara.com. Send letters to: Direct Answers, PO Box 964, Springfield, MO 65801 or email: DirectAnswers@WayneAndTamara.com.